So many times the most profound acts of leadership emerge from the smallest, most unexpected moments.
Amid the noise of constant demands, slowing down to truly see another person might be the most powerful leadership skill of all.
I knew this intellectually, but two recent meetings provided a compelling reminder.
This morning, I reunited in person with an executive coaching client—a CEO of a large organization.
I had been coaching him on ways to lead with both authority and collaboration, giving clear direction while also recognizing and supporting other leaders’ drive for autonomy and empowerment.
After an energetic discussion in which we caught up on our families, world events, and work, he paused.
He looked me in the eyes, and with a quiet and slow tone of voice, he said, “Lori, I think I’ve already said this, but I need to say it again. Thank you… I just want you to know how our work together last year was like a lifeline for me. I was going through the toughest time in my life, and you listened and saw me for who I am.”
His sharing of heartfelt appreciation affected me deeply, and it came at an important time. It’s been a tough few months witnessing all that’s going on in the world right now.
The impact that I’m able to have as an executive coach and consultant—being present with just one organization, and sometimes just one individual executive, at a time—can seem frustratingly small and insignificant.
I’ve heard similar sentiments from many friends and colleagues: With so much happening that is unpredictable and beyond our control, it’s easy to feel like we want to make more of a difference.
As I reflected on that conversation with my client, I realized that he gave me the same experience he was so grateful for: being truly seen.
In a single moment of slowing down and validating something meaningful to me (making a difference as a coach), he helped me reconnect with purpose and potential.
It was a critical reminder that these seemingly small moments of connection are far from insignificant – they do make a difference.
And then, shortly after that meeting, I got another reminder of the power of connection and being seen, while coaching a neurodivergent leader (I’ll call him Dylan).
According to the interview-based 360 assessment I did, Dylan is one of the most technically skilled accountants at his firm. However, the interviewees perceived that he made significant interpersonal errors.
Sometimes he jumps into conversations in ways that others view as inappropriate—not because he’s trying to be argumentative or defiant, but because he cares deeply about a technical issue. He can fail to recognize the potential negative impact on others in the meeting, missing social cues and norms that are not written, but implied (e.g., when a senior leader presents a proposal, wait for them to ask for input before sharing your concerns).
Dylan shared with me that there are a few people at his firm who really see him. They've taken the time to pause and connect with him, which enables them to recognize his strengths, see situations from his perspective, and understand that his intentions are positive. He’s trying to do what is best for the team and the firm.
Dylan said he gets emotional just thinking about the attention that people gave to him. He’s so appreciative that these individuals see him for who he is, not for the stories some people make up about him because of a few interpersonal errors he’s made.
When we consider how powerful it is to be truly seen by another human being, I think we need to ask ourselves: Why is this so rare? Why, when we feel seen, whether by a colleague, an executive coach, or a coaching client, is that such an exceptional experience—one that might transform a relationship or move us to tears? Why isn’t this actually the norm, in both our personal and our professional lives?
We also have to wonder: What is happening in our relationships the rest of the time? If we’re not seeing one another as we truly are, just what are we seeing? And why?
In my experience, a big part of that answer comes down to the gap between observations (facts) and interpretations (the conclusions we draw from those facts). All too often, we don’t really know what someone else is thinking or feeling or intending, but we’re convinced that we do.
We think we can “read” someone’s body language, tone of voice, or behaviors: “I could tell by the look on his face that he was disappointed”; “She’s clearly trying to challenge my authority”; “Obviously they did that to send a message”; and so on. We don’t ask what’s really going on because we think we already know.
Even if we do realize that our interpretations might be wrong, we may hesitate to check them out. It can feel too vulnerable or risky to say, “I came away thinking you don’t value my perspective” or “I get the impression you’re disappointed with our decision. Is that right?” Or we may just be in too much of a hurry—too stressed out or focused on driving to results to pause and look critically at the assumptions we’ve made.
The reality is that truly seeing another person, as they are, is not easy! We need to slow down. We need to be vulnerable. We need to take risks. We need to face the possibility that our initial judgments and interpretations are way off the mark.
I continue to work on this in my own relationships. Like the leaders I coach, I’m human. I make assumptions, especially when I’m under stress. These days, I am working really hard at having conversations with people whose perspectives on the world vary greatly from mine—trying to “walk in their shoes” to understand why they think the way they think and respond the way they respond.
While I tend to focus on authentic connection as a leadership skill, due to its ability to foster workplace trust, cohesion, collaboration, motivation, and creativity, it is just as powerful (and often just as difficult) in our personal lives. So, when I do feel I’ve been truly seen or able to see another person—whether it’s a client, a colleague, a friend, or a neighbor—this gives me hope and motivation to keep working to connect… even (or maybe especially) when it seems impossible to find common ground.
I’d love to hear your own experiences.
When, in the course of your work, have you felt seen for who you really are? What was the impact on you? On your relationship? And on the results you were able to achieve?
What opportunities do you have now to help others feel seen and understood, and what impact might that have?
**To maintain client confidentiality, I slightly modified the descriptions of the leaders in the blog.
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